Why “I’m Fine” Can be a Trauma Response

“I’m fine.”

It’s one of the most common things people say when asked how they’re doing. Often, it’s completely accurate. Things are okay. Nothing feels wrong. Life is moving along.

But for some people - particularly men - “I’m fine” can also signal a response that has been learned, acknowledge a currently felt state, and indicate a learned survival strategy. Not because they’re hiding something intentionally, and not because they’re being dishonest, but because they genuinely don’t know how else to answer.

We don’t want to shame or pathologize language that we all use every day. We do want to begin understanding how our nervous systems adapt to stress, relationships, and our formative experiences -and how those adaptations can subtly shape the way we relate to ourselves and others.

When “I’m fine” means “nothing feels accessible”

There is a common trend that circulates, and has for years, that states that men have a “nothing box” that they can spend time experiencing with no ill effects. While this may be true for some and this is not meant to be a commentary on gender identity and norms found within it, it may not be universally true and there is a danger to assuming or even tacitly pushing any individual towards the expected norm of what we believe to be true.

For many people, especially those who grew up in environments where emotions weren’t welcomed, “I’m fine” doesn’t mean “everything is great”- it means:

• “There’s nothing I can clearly name.”

• “I don’t want to make this heavier than it needs to be.”

• “I’m not sure what I’m feeling, and I don’t want to give effort of time to guessing.”

  
  

We aren’t consciously avoiding in these moments. We are simply doing something called emotional narrowing - which is a concise way of saying our nervous system learned early on that staying neutral, contained, or self-sufficient was safer than expressing vulnerability.

Over time, this can become automatic for people.

Why people experience this so often

Many of us were raised - explicitly or implicitly - with messages like:

• “Don’t be a burden.”

• “Handle it yourself.”

• “Strong people don’t dwell on feelings.”

• “Anger is okay. Sadness, fear, or confusion… not so much.”

  
  

In the face of this, emotional awareness doesn’t disappear - it just adapts. The body still carries stress, disappointment, grief, or anxiety, but the mind learns to stay practical, factual, or neutral.

“I’m fine” becomes less of a statement and more of a default setting.

This isn’t about trauma in the dramatic sense

When people hear the word trauma, they often think of extreme events. And while that can be part of it, trauma can also be much quieter. Sometimes trauma can mean growing up without emotional attunement or learning that your feelings won’t be responded to.

Sometimes it means being praised for perceived strength or independence instead of connection. Sometimes we just slowly buckle under the pressure of having to “keep it together” for everyone else around us.

In these contexts, the nervous system adapts by staying composed, controlled, and inwardly contained. Saying “I’m fine” isn’t a lie - it’s the language that helped us to get through our very real environments.

How this shows up in adult life

People who default to “I’m fine” often:

• Function well on the outside

• Are reliable, competent, and steady

• Don’t feel obviously distressed

  
  

And yet, they may also notice:

• A sense of emotional distance from themselves

• Difficulty explaining their needs

• Partners or loved ones saying, “I don’t know what’s going on with you”

• Stress showing up physically (fatigue, tension, chronic or acute pain, irritability)

  
  

Again—none of this means something is wrong. It just means the system learned to cope quietly.

“I’m fine” isn’t the problem—disconnection is

The goal isn’t to eliminate “I’m fine.”

The question is whether it’s a choice or a reflex.

When “I’m fine” is followed by introspection (ex: “Let me think about that”, “I’m not sure yet”, or “There’s something there but I just don’t have words yet”) we can begin to become flexible and free and make movement towards health.

When “I’m fine” is the only answer available, even when life is clearly stressful, painful, or overwhelming—that’s when it can be worth getting curious.

A gentler reframe

Instead of asking:

“What’s wrong with me for feeling this way?”

A more helpful question might be:

“What has my nervous system learned about what safety means?”

From that place, emotional distance isn’t a failure - it’s an adaptation that once worked very well but may need renavigating.

What therapy can offer (in a safe way) 

Therapy isn’t about digging up sterile feelings or turning every conversation into emotional processing.

At its best, therapy can help people:

• Work on their internal awareness at a tolerable pace

• Learn to notice sensations, signals, and shifts

• Begin to develop words for experiences that were never named

• Expand emotional range without losing control of their lives

  
  

For many of us, this is less about “opening up” and more about learning to listen to what’s happening inside—often for the first time.

If this resonates

If you recognize yourself here, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or emotionally unavailable. It likely means you adapted in a way that made sense.

“I’m fine” may have protected you. Now, you might simply be outgrowing it.

And that process doesn’t require force - just curiosity, patience, and the right support.

At Revive Counselling, we help individuals reconnect with themselves - gently, and at their own pace.

If you’re ready to explore your emotional landscape beyond ‘I’m fine,’ our therapists can support you wherever you are in the process.

Reach out to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with one of our counsellors today Here

Jon Dressler, MA, RCC

Revive Counselling & Neurofeedback

Jon is a clinical counsellor in Maple Ridge and Fort Langley who works individuals that want to learn how to reconnect to their emotions and their most authentic self.