Anger can be one of the most misunderstood emotions. Many of us have learned to fear it, suppress it, divert it, or let it take control of our actions in ways that feel overwhelming.
But what if we could change our relationship with anger? What if, rather than seeing it as something to be avoided or acted on reactively, we can approach anger as a valuable internal signal, telling us something important about our deeper needs.
We can choose to see anger as just another part of us, or as being held by a part of us, and actually inherently protective. It may feel intense or explosive at times, but at its core, anger is trying to alert us to something that’s wrong, something we care deeply about.
Anger often tells us we aren't being loved in the way we want to be loved, seen in the way we want to be seen, or that there is some perceived injustice that is occurring against us or in the world.
Anger is a great alarm system, but it can be a bad delivery system. While anger is great at grabbing our attention, delivering those messages (about being seen, being loved, or about perceived injustices) with anger almost never leads to us being loved more, seen more, or helping shift a relationship towards change.
Anger as Protective
Anger serves a role in helping us survive and navigate life’s challenges. Anger is often a "protector" —its job is to defend us from harm, rejection, or perceived threats. When we feel disrespected, misunderstood, or hurt, anger may jump in to shield us from these painful emotions.
Anger's energy can be so intense that it shuts us away from hearing the true message about what it is even protecting us from. It can become overzealous. Its protective energy can cause us to react in ways that escalate conflict, alienate others, or leave us feeling guilty afterward.
The Deeper Message Beneath Anger
While it might be easier said than done, instead of dismissing anger or letting it overwhelm us, we can take a moment to pause and listen. What is anger really trying to protect?
Often, underneath anger, there is pain, sadness, fear, or feelings of unworthiness. These deep and carefully protected nuggets of pain are often tied in with our unmet needs, old wounds, or feelings of being unsafe. When this pain is triggered, or even brushed up against, anger can come rushing in attempting to protect us from feeling the pain again.
In some ways, even identifying that anger is tied in with pain can cause a doubling down reaction inside. In sitting with the deeper meaning behind anger, it may feel like your anger is trying to be dismissed. Anger might come back with a vengeance shouting "I'm not any of this! I'm just angry! I have a right to be angry!"
While there is so much validity to the feeling of anger and the reasons why it might be coming up, it's also important to return to recognizing that the anger just wants to help you and protect you.
We can learn to change our relationship with anger so that it spends less time in the driver's seat of your life and more time helping to inform you by giving you driving directions.
Changing Your Relationship with Anger
If you want to start changing your relationship with anger, here are a few ways to start:
Pause and Notice – When anger arises, take a moment to pause. Notice the sensations in your body and where you feel the anger. This might be tension in your shoulders, a tightness in your chest, or heat rising in your face.
Get Curious – Think about asking your anger, "How are you trying to help me?" or "What do you want me to know?" This helps shift your focus from reacting to listening.
Find the Deeper Emotion – Anger often sits on top of more vulnerable feelings. As you listen to your anger, see if you can access what’s underneath it. Is there a part of you that feels hurt, scared, or disrespected?
Speak for the Anger, Not From It – Once you are able to listen to the anger, try to express your needs from that listening place, as if you are acting as a go-between. This might mean saying, "I’m feeling frustrated because I'm not feeling safe or heard," rather than letting anger take over the conversation.
Practice Compassion – Just like every other part of us, anger is doing its best to help. When you approach it with compassion rather than shame or guilt, you create more space for it to soften. This allows the deeper needs to surface, and for the protective energy of anger to settle. If it doesn't, you can ask yourself if there is something else that might need a deeper level of attention.
If anger is a frequent visitor in your life and feels overwhelming, it may be helpful to work with a therapist that allows you to explore these internal dynamics. You don’t have to navigate it alone.
By changing how we respond to anger—viewing it as a messenger rather than a problem—it can change how we see our inner world (and other's inner worlds). Anger isn’t something to be feared or suppressed. It’s a powerful part of us that, when listened to with curiosity and compassion, can reveal what we truly need for healing and connection.
*This blog post is not meant to be a substitute for therapy or medical advice. Please see a trained therapist to explore these ideas further.
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